When I joined SFBAM nine years ago, my eldest daughter, Ilse, was barely 1. Now, she is almost 10 and has begun puberty. I started preparing myself for this next phase of her life and my role two years ago. I heard from fellow parents that puberty was starting earlier for children, so I mentally prepared myself for the inevitable change. Last year, I noticed that Ilse’s breasts were developing. So, we chatted about wearing a training bra and why she needed to wear one. While it was uncomfortable and weird, Ilse obliged. This year, puberty snuck in on Ilse with body odor, underarm and pubic hair growth, and the need for a new bra. Ilse is struggling with this change. Ilse doesn’t like that her body is changing. Ilse does not like the fact that she will have her period soon. She thinks it all sucks. I can’t blame her. I think it sucks too.
I remember that yucky, uncomfortable feeling, too. It’s like everyone is looking at you. Filipino culture uses the word “dalaga” to refer to a young girl coming of age. I disliked that term, especially when I heard it from relatives. Nothing makes a girl feel more uncomfortable than hearing someone notice that her body is changing or that she is growing up. While the comment was not insulting, it made me feel weird nonetheless. I hear the word “dalaga” now, and I am once again that awkward, buck-toothed girl with the thick hair. I don’t use the word to describe my daughters or nieces. Life is embarrassing enough.
As a mother to daughters, I want puberty and growing up to be less painful and awkward. At home, I focus on their unique strengths and physical characteristics. I try to teach them to embrace their bodies as they are. We talk about being healthy, strong, smart, and kind. When we are those things, we are beautiful. We avoid negative body language, like “fat,” “skinny,” or “ugly.” Whenever I look at myself in the mirror when I dress, I have to resist the urge to pick at my jiggly belly and big shoulders, because it’s too easy to focus on the bits I dislike versus embrace my large breasts, butt, and long, curly hair. Body acceptance and body love are a daily struggle.
In a perfect world, we would do both: accept our bodies and love our bodies. In truth, we tend to sway from body acceptance to body love. There are more days when I take my body than when I love my body. My body acceptance and body love are rarely balanced. I imagine that holds for Ilse, too. In the meantime, I will walk this path with Ilse as carefully as possible. It won’t be easy, because puberty still sucks.
