Unfortunately, living a life of literal and emotional secrets is the norm. We’re taught to ‘filter’ ourselves in every way – physically (on FB and Instagram) and emotionally (expressing opinions, revealing painful tales, telling our partners and friends about our despair, loneliness, urgency, fear, etc.) “Who cares about what’s happened to me or how I feel anyway?” we think. “The old stories don’t matter anymore,” we convince ourselves. “I don’t want to air my emotional dirty laundry in public,” we insist. “I’ll only be stirring the pot,” we grimace. We are convinced that silence is brave, that keeping secrets is necessary, and that stuffing down our feelings is noble. All lies.
What’s brave, necessary, and noble is saying out loud the things we’ve been afraid to talk about.
Why share? Because, like vegetables shoved into a dark refrigerator corner, disregarded feelings become smelly and toxic. In truth, ignoring them is dangerous. The point is, just because we don’t share uncomfortable or even forbidden memories, it doesn’t mean they don’t affect us. For instance, refusing to acknowledge or investigate the source of the pain we have in our hip, or our constant headaches, doesn’t mean the dangerous bacteria eating through our system won’t eventually debilitate us. It will.
Not only is emotional secret-keeping dangerous, but it’s also just damn wrong. Who do we serve by staying silent? Certainly not our friends, who will most certainly feel closer to us and may even learn something through our deep sharing. Certainly not our partner, who deserves and perhaps needs deeper emotional intimacy with us.
Maybe the idea of sharing can be seen in a more positive light by understanding that it’s not so much the details of any old or new story or experience that needs to be shared, but rather our feelings about those events, as in, “I had this horrific childhood thing happen to me and I still get nauseous and disgusted when I think of it.” If people want details, you can either share those details or say, “I’m not quite ready to talk about it.” Still, you’ve broken the ice and are readying yourself for the full disclosure that will begin to set you free from the inner turmoil the memory is causing you.
We often imagine being judged, discarded, or dismissed.
We think our stories and feelings make us less lovable. If you believe that it’s because you’re projecting how you feel about yourself onto others. Know this: It’s entirely the opposite. Most people will love you more, not less, because sharing lands as daring and caring. However, you won’t believe what I’m saying unless you try it. Our humanity is our most universal and connective quality. Sidenote: The few who might judge you do not deserve to know you. It’s not a comment about your insufficiency, but rather a comment about their fear.
In summary, why say your secrets out loud? Although it’s hard at first, emotional honesty will eventually lift 1000 pounds off your shoulders, let you realize the beauty of deep connection to others, and introduce you to the understanding that all of what you’ve experienced, done, and feel prepares you to become your best self. We are divinely human, warts and all, and being divinely human is a helluva extraordinary thing to be.
