You’ve probably seen this guy: He seems a little muted, like he’s holding something in, like he’s operating on autopilot so he doesn’t have to deal with whatever is happening inside. Society has taught him from an early age that only the weak respond to physical pain, and only the very weak respond to emotional pain. He might be your friend, your cousin, your neighbor, or your husband. He’s a nice guy, maybe even a good guy, and you can’t help but wonder – what exactly is so scary for him about opening up about his struggles?
Like many stereotypes, this one has some roots in reality. Many men are taught that acknowledging difficulties is a form of contemptible weakness. As a result, they never develop the skills of opening up about their challenges, of seeking support, or even of recognizing that they are struggling with something significant. The results can range from the mundane to the catastrophic, from watching too much Netflix to self-medicating, drunk driving, and explosive rage. Whatever the external manifestation, it all stems from internal turmoil and unhappiness that is not processed productively.
Before going over how we can help others who are struggling in silence, it’s important to keep one thing in mind: It’s not your responsibility to make sure that another adult is okay. If you find yourself in the position of feeling that the well-being of another adult rests entirely on you, it is a clear sign of crisis. If you feel like that, the most helpful response is to immediately involve additional people and bring more resources on board. Call friends and family, call the 988 Lifeline (dial 988 from any phone for 24/7 free and confidential counseling, including to those who are worried about others), talk to your own support network about it – and don’t go it alone. You have your own life to live, and it’s unfair to you and to others in your life if you are consumed by your sense of being responsible for another adult.
With that out of the way, let’s consider how you can help men who are struggling in silence. The main categories of support are: (1) Offering direct support, (2) Motivating them to get better, and (3) Facilitating contact with more support.
Direct Support: Those of us who have gone through periods of loneliness know what a difference a single positive interaction with a caring person can make – like a ray of sun after days of dark clouds. Check in on a regular basis and spend time together. Meeting in person is ideal, but video or phone calls are also helpful. Do it at a frequency that is not overwhelming or draining for you – anywhere from several times per week to once a month, depending on how it fits into your life. Scheduling the check-ins in advance is a good way of making sure they happen. Perhaps you meet for lunch on Tuesdays, or have a phone call on your drive home from work. Ideally, your interactions are a combination of fun and support. Maybe you meet to play a game (pickleball, anyone?) and then get a bite to eat and chat.
Remember to share your challenges with the other person, too – in addition to getting your own support, you’ll be modeling and encouraging being more open about challenges. Don’t be afraid to ask about difficult things (e.g., “How have you been since that breakup?” or “How is your job search going?” or “What’s the latest with your dad’s cancer?”). Once they engage, they may talk about the issue for one or two sentences, then change the topic to something lighter. That’s okay – just follow their lead, to help them manage how much contact they have with this distressing topic. After talking about something else for a little while, they may return to the difficult topic. Most importantly: Remind them you are there for them, and that you want to hear about what’s going on and help however you can.
Motivating Them to Get Better: This is a crucial element of any change process that is often overlooked. It may sound silly to consider how we can convince someone that it’s a good idea for them to feel better, but never underestimate how fear of change can get people stuck in uncomfortable places. There’s a well-developed approach called Motivational Interviewing that helps people identify their readiness for change and move toward greater readiness, and you may want to spend a few minutes learning about it. The general goal is to increase awareness of the issue, support consideration of alternatives, and encourage realistic evaluations of the pros and cons of adopting changes (such as seeking support or making new friends). Here are a few things you can do:
- State your observation in a warm, caring, and objective way (“I noticed you’ve been looking down for a few weeks now” or “I noticed you haven’t been coming to happy hour for the past couple of months”). This helps the other person realize that you’re paying attention to them and care about them, and may encourage them to share the causes for the things you noticed.
- Ask them how they would like their life to be different, either in terms of their external reality or in terms of their internal experience.
- Consider what would be a good first step to take in that direction, while keeping in mind the importance of having good support along the way (for companionship, guidance, emotional support, and accountability).
- Reframe support seeking as an act of courage and strength (“It takes a lot of courage to talk to other people about what we’re going through…”).
- Reframe support seeking as a gift to others (“I know I feel so relieved when other people share their challenges with me, and realize it’s not just me who has difficulties”).
- Remind them they deserve to feel good and to be taken care of – including by taking care of themselves.
Help Them Connect with Support: As I mentioned earlier, the entire weight of supporting another person should not rest on you alone. Help the other person connect with new people and sources of support, both formally and informally. Here are a few examples of things you can do:
- Invite them to a small gathering of your friends, and encourage them to form their own friendships between them.
- Brainstorm other places to meet people and make friends. One of the best things to do is to join a community that engages in an activity of interest (e.g., drawing, volunteering, martial arts, faith group, book club). Joining more than one community is a good idea. The goal is to repeatedly meet the same people and interact around an activity that is inherently interesting and satisfying. Over time, these are the settings that friendships can grow out of.
- Remind them of formal support resources, including the 988 Lifeline (dial 988 from any phone for 24/7 free and confidential counseling), connecting with a therapist, a support group, or a faith leader.
Ultimately, the choice whether or not to connect with support is not yours to make, but theirs. You can be a helpful resource—indeed, you might make all the difference in the world—but only if they are willing to take the necessary action. While it’s unreasonable to expect of yourself to fix anyone else’s life, you can have a tremendous impact simply by connecting every once in a while, lending a caring ear, and offering a kind word. And remember to connect with others and get your own support – because you, too, deserve to feel connected, supported, and satisfied in your life.
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Dr. Eran Magen serves as an assistant clinical professor at the Yale School of Medicine Department of Psychiatry. He is the founder of ParentingForHumans.com and
